This piece of art is the mindchild of my neice Shannon Breadner of British Columbia.  She is the oldest daughter of my late brother Brian who died at 56 of a sudden heart attack.  I loved my brother but I think he was blessed to die quickly and not suffer.  He also would have made one ornery old man in an old folks home.  I worked with the family and presented a celebration of life.  There were about 160 people there to honour and say goodbye to Brian.  It was heart warming and he was loved by so many.  He was not the type of person who was in church on Sunday.  Actually I think once he left home I am unsure if you would need two hands to count the times he was in a church, aside from weddings and funerals.   So as I celebrated his life I related him to God though the adult baptism of Jesus.  Jesus was baptized when he was about 30 and when John layed Jesus back into the Jordon the skies opened and there was a voices saying, "This is my son whom I love and am proud of."  Was it God?  I don't know, but I choose to think it was the spirit talking to the writer (Matthew) as he tells the story.   Jesus returned to life filled with the spirit after this experience only to be tempted over and over again.

It was his choice to remain faithful to the sacred.  He kept telling the tempter ... again and again how he would remain faithful to what he believed and so then the tempter backed away to await a more opportune time.  The temptations don't go away they simply fade sometimes until we get comfortable only to come at us yet another way.  

One of the temptations Brian struggled with was the desire to run away from life.  He was a truck driver and this was conducive to his need to be "on the road" and not have to face day to day decisions.  He was a ramlin' man and lived his life restless.  That is why this painting by his first born gives me hope that Shannon sees there is room for communal love between spirits.  This beautiful painting represents closeness and the need we have to be in communion with others.  Thank you Shannon!  You have had your own challenges but I know you will be fine.  As you are tempted to give up, throw in the towel, call it a day you can look at your own work and find hope. 

Today is Lent 1 a time of 40 days when we read that Jesus was tempted.  He didn't give in ... don't you give in either.  No matter what faces you down in life there is always hope and tomorrow the sun will rise once again and when you are in communion (connected) in spirit with hope, love, joy and peace the divine is with you guiding you along.  Place your trust here in this place.  Blessings!

Feeling the pulse...

As I ponder this beautiful picture it makes my heart soar.  I want to dance like this.  Yesterday with the younger generation I asked them to be seeds in the ground and grow as the sun warmed the ground.  At first I asked them to grow on one foot and pushed them over.  I wanted to point out we are better grounded on our two feet and it is our roots that keep us centred and anchored.  Mother Earth has a pulse from which we draw energy and life.  Most recently as temps have been up and down and it reminds me of a pulse.  Mother Earth is reminding us she is alive and taking good care of herself.  We, as humankind, should take notice.   Attention is focused inward and onto our technology forgetting the beauty around us. 

The frosted window gives way to a beautiful map reminding me that I can't look out but need to look at what Mother Nature creates.  Beautiful creations. I like being poked into awareness and creation does this daily.  Pokes me and reminds me to pay attention.

A wonderful woman I love died this week.  The end of January I had a wonderful visit with her and she was poking me reminding me to be present in the moment.  She will live on in the hearts of all. 

I am genuinely happy and I hope you are too.  I have work to do and will continue to search for work that feeds my passions.  I have learned to wait.  I have learned to ponder.  I have learned to watch.  Heading into the Lenten season (a church season) it is a time to evaluate the wilderness of our lives and see where we need to improve and purge.  As something in our life ends there are always new beginnings.

Writing a Journal

At the beginning of the new year I always pick up a journal and begin to write down my thoughts, only to have it wane over time.  Just like the good intentions of many people we all want to eat better, exercise more or quit smoking, but like many good people I do not sustain my good intentions.  In looking at this pattern, I am thinking this year I will setting aside 15 minutes every morning to simply reflect and read a daily motivation.  If I write, all the better, but I am not going to weigh it down by thinking writing or not writing denotes success or failure.

Often we set ourselves up with boundaries that are unrealistic.  Over the years I have been challenged to be open minded and listen to others.  I am better at it and shake my head at my past closed and opinionated self, but I forgive my own ignorance.  Being aware of this often requires a revisiting of my boundaries.  What will I live with?  What can I live without? Can I see the other person's thoughts?  Does it change my world view?  This is hard work and takes us on our spiritual journey.

In the past few years I have been faced with expanding my understanding of the divine.  There have been many days where I wonder, "is there such a thing?"  Who is "God"? What is "God"? Christian practices are about 2000 years old.  Coming from a certain time and a certain place following a certain man.  What does that mean?  After taking a journey at the Gaia Farmhouse December 20, 21 and 22 I was connected to the universe story and reminded ecologically where we all came from.  It is fascinating and sparked a desire to dig even deeper into my soul to find out what it is I believe.

I am on a journey and I invite you to walk with me.  Ask the hard questions but be ready for answers that may not fit with your world view.  That is where the hard work starts.  Are you willing to change your world view and let go of your childhood thinking?  Are you ready to grow?  I hope so because it is a wonderful journey!  I am off to shovel the love that mother earth has layed upon my car .... Happy New Year!

2013 ... what will be new this new year?

Upon graduating I am now seeking to find my future.  I am passionate about elder care, bereavement care and hospice care.  As I seek to fulfill my own spiritual quest I find more and more I am connected to the earth and the seasons.  Living in Ontario, Canada I love the blanket of snow that is covering the green grass and keeping things quiet for the hibernating animals.  Spring will burst forth with new life in no time.  Can we apply this passion and love of life and death to our own world?  Can we overcome our fear of death and have a "good death"?  In dying we come to realize how precious life is here on earth but when we live seasonally we realize there must be more than what we can see.

Travel with me and embrace the frailty of human life.  Live while you can live and die when the time comes. 

In a good life there can be a good death.

What next??

Well the time has come where I am facing a fork in the road and must chase down the rest of my dream.  I have finished classes and am ready to graduate upon the submission of the last two papers.  Such great learning I have witnessed.  Such great turmoil within my own heart.  Challenges faced down and often swimming in murky waters trying to make sense and nail down some clarity.

That being said nailing down what the divine has in store is like trying to display Jello on the fridge with a magnet or nail it to the wall.  Challenging to say the least.  But that being said how lovely is it to just lay our trust in something greater than ourselves and listen to the whispers in the night.  One thing I have learned is none of us do that to the fullest, not even me and I have been pushed to the edge of some scary cliffs.

A poem that I recently had read to me spoke to my heart and reminds me that the divine choose me not the other way around.  I am child of the universe and can connect with all that goes before me and share in the witness of all that is behind me.  I am a Christian because I follow the work and life of Jesus, I choose life on this path.  Although this poem may not be perfectly articulated the way I would in today's context and culture the message speaks to me and keeps me afloat as I move and am molded by the one who created me:


And the Lord Said Go

the Lord said go

         and i said who me

         and He said yes you

         and i said

         but i’m not ready yet

         and an important meeting is coming up

         and i can’t leave my work right now

         and you know there is no one to take my place

         and He said you’re stalling.                                    

again the Lord said go

         and i said 
         but i don’t want to

         and He said I didn’t ask if you wanted to

         and i said listen i’m not the kind of person

         to get involved in controversy

         besides my family won’t like it

         and what will my neighbours think

         and He said baloney.

and yet a third time the Lord said go

         and i said do I have to

         and He said do you love me

         and i said

         look i’m scared

         people are going to hate me

         and cut me into little pieces

         and i can’t take it all myself

         and He said where do you think I’ll be

         and the Lord said go

         and i sighed

         here i am send me.

                                     Sister Constance

                                     Virginia Seminary Alumni Magazine

.."give us this day our DAILY bread..."

A letter in response to a friend's email......

I have difficulty trying to articulate what I find in your email or what I sense from your words because for me I feel it is not up to me to tell you how to be faithful.  You are bright and have such great thoughts.  Maybe too great (lol) because you think very deeply and therefore lean into what it is that troubles you to try to find answers.

I am finding lately that I am trying to live simply.  Not looking too much into the future and trying not to take on things that are so big that I feel overwhelmed by the thoughts eg environmental issues and the end of the earth as we know it, because truthfully I have lived 53 years and I have some history but it is still a blip on a screen for the years that the earth has existed so who am I to worry about mother earth?  I think she can take good care of herself.  She may cut us off, spit us out and we may cease to exist for a while as humans but in the billions of years the scientists say the earth has existed why are we so arrogant to think we can save the earth? (picture at right is my bunk in Yogyakarta, Indonesia very similar to how I am living right now as I finish up my degree)

So my job is to make my time and the time of those who I care about as rewarding and good as possible.  I am only here for maybe 80years or so ... and I just need to be sure I am a good person, care for the earth as I can and share what I can about what it means to me to do so.  That is all there is for me.

I need to earn enough of a living to feed myself because my children need to tend to their future.  It is not up to me to be sure they are left with millions.  I gave them life by birthing them and they came into this world with the skin on their ass and need to cover that ass as they see fit.

I try to be happy to my own core and worry about what it is that I need to be happy.  I try to help others to be happy and content.  I can't control how they feel I can only listen and then hope they have emptied their cup enough to move on.  Sounds cynical but most people like living in misery and really don't want to be happy, being happy means they may have to relax and let go and enjoy life.  That is not what society teaches us.  Materialism means we are never satisfied .. and need to buy more "stuff" ... so we are conditioned to be discontent.

That all being said ... I struggle too with what it means to be content and find God, god, higher power... and the creator story... who am I?  who I am.. is a big question and only I can answer it.  My faith helps me do so and my faith allows me to trust that there is lessons to be learned, places to be happy, and it is worth the struggle in the long run.

Spirit is willing, flesh is weak

I have recently reconnected with a person from my past and it is an awakening of my spirit.   I have the opportunity through the lens of my friend to revisit what I believe in and what makes it authentic.  How do I see God?  What does Jesus represent to me? Where is my faith in light of doctrines and church obedience?  As I walk this journey I am steeped in governance in ministry and a course called, "Confessing Our Faith".  The "our" of this course is The United Church of Canada (UCC).  An inclusive, pluralistic and progressive organization which is reaching into the 21st century world. The UCC is a place were everyone can come to the table and sup.  Sharing in the bread and the wine is a way of sharing common roots and understanding the good news of our gospel with others who may find God in an other way.  Does it really matter how we get there as long as we better understand what it is that we are seeking?  My friend and a woman I greatly respect, Gretta Vosper, has shed a light on this thinking even while placing herself in danger.  She has relinquished the title, "God" because she wants us to understand the weight this title carries.  In the USA it is printed on their money, "In God we trust" but in what God, whose God and by what definition are we to know this trust is authentic?

My journey has only yet begun.  Although I have been on it for a long time, 50 years or so, I realize I am always at the beginning.  I cannot ever move beyond the beginning because as I realize more and more about what I believe, what I stand for, how I live my life it feels like a fresh start yet again and I walk it with wide eyed innocence.

Matthew 26:40-41 says, "Jesus returned to the disciples, he found them asleep.  He said to Peter, "couldn't you stay awake with me for even an hour?  Be on guard, and pray that you may not undergo trial.  The spirit is willing, but the body is weak."  Jesus asks us to stay awake and prepare ourselves for the world.  We never know when we will be on trial for what it is we stand for, trust and believe.  When we anchor ourselves in our beliefs and know what it is we truly believe we can then withstand what Jesus did.  That is the point of the resurrection in my heart, he stood for what he believed and it was raised up after humanity killed him for it. He stood for something so much greater than we can ever conceive, but we can stay awake and welcome the spirit that takes us on this wonderful journey and exploration. 

These pictures are ones I took while studying and exploring the island of Java.  My journey has only begun, where are you on yours?