Most readers have watched the movie The
Wizard of Oz, a childhood favourite of mine, where so much happens that is
metaphorical even though we mostly watch it for entertainment. It is scary in places, scary like real life
can be scary. I am a movie buff and
enjoy watching movies from a “what lesson can I learn” perspective.
The Wizard of Oz is particularly special in
my life as I look back on more years than I expect to have going forward. I am bearing down on my 60th
birthday in 2019 and over the past year have been contemplating my life’s work
and my journey so far.
Most recently I started a small bucket list
that reflects a year or two out. I am
not sure why I am not looking beyond 2019, I just am not, I have chosen to list
the things I want to do this year and in the actual year I turn 60. I believe this is because I have never looked
forward before. It seems my life has
been a watch my toes kind of life. I
have watched, head down, each step taken, and it has proven to be a bleak way
to live. As I have created this small short-term
bucket list it feels like it is the key to the longer story, the next thirty
years as Tim McGraw sings about in his popular country song.
The longest goal I have set is to visit
Ireland, the home of my ancestors in 2019. Visit the place where the original
six children, who migrated with their parents in the 1800’s, were conceived and
connect with the deep roots of my DNA. A
shorter goal I set was to sing at the music festival this spring, which I did
on April 4 in Barrie, Ontario. I
received first place and a medal to show for my efforts. I suppose I should tell you I was the only
one in my category so first place was inevitable however that did not make the
victory any less sweet.
How does this relate to The Wizard of
Oz? In the movie Dorothy and her
collection of misfit friends make their way to Oz, together in community, each
seeking their own. Their own deep yearning
for something to tell them they are worthy, successful and give them a reason
for living. The Scarecrow seeking a
brain, the Tin Man a heart, and of course, the Cowardly Lion seeking courage
and of course, Dorothy who simply wants to go home. All these treasured characters are a part of
me, and a part of you, and are the fodder for a life’s journey. Singing in the festival and gaining the first-place
certificate, the inexpensive medal hanging on a ribbon and the words of the
adjudicator satisfied my seeking for courage.
In the sweet words of the adjudicator, she told me I was “brave” as not
many people my age grace her with their presence in a music festival. I performed a song that, I have told many,
chose me. When I decided in January to
register and sing in the spring festival, my teacher said, “what do you want to
sing?” I had no idea! So, I went to her
home and she had pulled out some books. They were laying on the floor. I reached for one book in particular. It was the musical score from the Broadway
production “Jekyll and Hyde”. As I
flipped lightly through it, the book paused on the song “Someone Like You” and
I read the words. I said, “this is
it!” -- “… if someone like you, found
someone like me, my heart would take wing, I’d feel so alive …”
From 2007 – 2013 I was in university, at 47
years old I decided to get post-secondary education. I had finished grade 12 in 1977 and never
pursued anything further. During the
BAHons. program, from May 2007 – August 2009, I was most often the oldest in
the class, with the exception of some of the professors. From that straight into a theological
master’s degree. From August 2009 – December 2012 I watched my toes as I put
one foot in front of the other to achieve this massive mission. I achieved in six years a Bachelor of Arts
degree (with honours) and a master’s degree receiving the diplomas to prove,
like the Scarecrow, I have a brain. It
was bittersweet success that was clouded with personal trauma, self-doubt and
mental depression. Although the
respected institutions of knowledge awarded me with the necessary credentials I
still was, like Dorothy, seeking home.
The credentials were lost in the muck and the mire.
Both singing in the festival and beginning
to reflect on the anniversary of my 60th year has created in me a
need to seek a heart. Like the Tin Man
my chest has felt empty for years. I
have felt paralyzed with rusty joints and immobilized by an emptiness I could
not explain. I cannot explain where I
lost my oil can or when I put JOY on the dusty top shelf of my daily quest for
health and happiness, but I know I did.
Somewhere along my life I lost the oil of life, I lost JOY. JOY is the oil that keeps a person pliable
and free moving.
Deep within myself, singing that song on
April 5 at 3:55 pm my heart awakened. I
was somehow given permission to have heart, take pride in my accomplishments,
and know I have great courage and I found home! I found my Wizard deep within
and the Wizard told me “Someone like you” loves me. Powerful
words that I had practiced for weeks to prepare for the staging of my coming
out party. In all my personal glory, I
came out of hiding that day and I now know someone like you loves me.
Who is this “you” I am talking about? This “you” is the deepest part of myself that
has been hidden and overcome with messages from my past that had my ego in the
driver’s seat. This “you” is my desire
to be whole, loving and steadfast in my own journey toward fulfillment of
pleasure in life. I was asked recently
if I was often told “don’t get too big for your britches”? A light went
on. I was told exactly that many, many
times as a child and a young adult and I believed until now I needed to fit the
britches that were made for me by well-meaning family members. On the stage of that music festival I took
off those britches and am now fitting well into a new pair! Through all my theological education where
seeking the divine becomes book work education, on that stage I found the sacred
is deep within and divinely beautiful.
It all came together.
I recognize I have a brain, I am smart and
have much to offer the world.
I recognize I have courage to be the best I
can be, and trust it is received with the passion intended.
I know I have a heart and JOY has begun to
make its way back into my life.
Best of all I know there is no place like
home! HOME is deep in my own soul where
my brilliance, my courage, and my heart joyfully play together within my
essence and like sunshine on a dreary day pours out for others to see!
There’s no place like home, there’s no
place like home, there’s no place like home.
Cynthia Breadner is a self-made entrepreneur, who for
the last 15 years, has been motivating and inspiring people from a stage and is
the host of momondays in Barrie. She is
an accomplished speaker sharing time with groups, large and small, who listen
for encouragement and support. Cynthia
is a certified group fitness coach and personal trainer and she is trained as a
healthy eating and weight loss coach. In
2017 she completed six cross country races, three triathlons and a half
marathon. CynthiaBreadner.com
