Deepest darkness and its merits...

This is so true and especially poignant when the knowing what Robin says comes from within the self, hearing his truth.  Whether his smile was fake or real he struggled and so do I and many others I know.  The tough part is to say it out loud and to own it.  Some say "fake it till you make it" others say "believe it to achieve it" but I say, "until you honour it, face it and work with it" nothing else real can happen.  Take those moments of depression and bouts of melancholy and look them square in the eye.  Nurture the real feelings of them and shed light into those dark spots.  Authenticate the feelings so you can begin to peel back the layers of avoidance and live your own authentic reality.  I AM who I AM ... the burning desire that never is consumed ... the fire that never goes out.  Some days positive and some days not.. the truth is in identifying which you are dealing with today and wear it proudly!

I struggle every day with a reason to continue.  I love my life, my children,  my grandchildren and my passion is to help others but the depths of my own personal journey has shattered my reasons to believe in anything.  So each day I search anew for a shoot of life and something I can grasp to keep myself going.  I own this.  I realize it is within me to feel this way and believing otherwise is the lie. Believing it will go away with enough positive thinking or that it is simply a bad day that will be better tomorrow is also nonsense.  I face it as a reality of  my life.

I look and I find reasons.  I take the time to hear my sorrowful heart and nurture it where it is at. Addictions are not a cure, I know that for a fact, nor do they make it go away.  It simply is what it is.

I AM that I AM and I momentarily watch over this I AM-ness ... a level of consciousness that is necessary in order to keep going.  You can keep going too.  You can do this too.  You can invite yourself to partner with that which is your worst enemy and feel good.  Remember the old saying, "keep your friends close but keep your enemies closer".  Bring this demon/enemy to bed with you and love it away.

Your shoot will come each day and that is all you need to worry about today.... is today!  
Blessings and love from my brokenness to yours 


Forever changing...

I have changed many of my practices lately because I have changed my mind and my outlook.  I have finally realized I was letting my ego control where I was going and what was to come next.  I was teaching about letting go and listening and yet was living very much in the driver's seat of my own life, not heeding my own good advice.

Walking and pondering in the local conservation has been solace and comfort to me.  I spend as much time as I can there just walking, listening and smelling the fall.  Leaves falling, trees going to sleep, my grandson pitter-pattering along beside me.  His questions about "Why, Gramma?" causing me to dig deeper for an answer.  The realization that like peeling an onion, eventually the perpetual "why" will lead you to the final response, "I just don't know Hunter, I just don't know" and then he ponders.  Gramma doesn't know?  But when I consistently give him answers he is lead to believe that I know everything.  A false-hood if there ever was one.

A hollow log laying in the forest decomposing back to the land.  I feel like that some days.  I have been strong and standing only to find the life I have grown is not what it appeared to be.  A different road has stretched out before me.  A time when I must curl up into a small seed of new potential and see what the next phase of growth means.  What will I be next?  Where will it take me?  I don't know, Hunter, I just don't know.

What I do know is I am happier than I have ever been in my life.  I feel settled and ready to give whatever it is that is asked of me.  I am in the three days of darkness after the full lunar appearance waiting to see what the darkness unfolds for me.  I have my eyes closed trying to see more clearly as i feel that my sight has made me blind (Barbara Brown Taylor, Learning to Walk in the Dark page 108)  This picture was taken by my friend Bill and it has a profound story behind it.  Not my story to tell but when he tells it my life changes.   Maybe Bill will post a comment to my blog and share his story.

As one chapter of my life leads into the other I have been compiling all my journals together to store them.  For the past seven years I have been recording thoughts.  Funny how these notes are very special to me now at this stage of my life.  It feels like I have been heading somewhere and can now stand at the crossroads looking back and forward at the same time, seeing how important the journey has been thus far.   I never considered  myself a writer or one who journals regularly but, in gathering all the dollar store books that have my thoughts and my notes, maybe someday they will be put into a set of works for my grandchildren and great grandchildren.

I want to teach somehow and the only way I know how to teach is to do.  So that is the next phase for me.  Hands on tactile work that will help me do into the lives of others that which I know of as spiritual.  I have learned about self-awareness and human consciousness and left behind the religion I grew up with.  I have intimate knowledge of myself that I never dreamed was possible.  I love myself and I love what it is I want to do with my life.

Deepak Chopra's meditations and lessons around pure potentiality have become a root of this magnificence I am nurturing.  Letting go of the ego, hearing the spirit and steeping myself in the divine beckoning of that which is the pure creative spirit has taken hold of me.  How about you?  Are you looking to be the best you can be?  Begin today and go for the ride of your life to wholeness and fulfillment of your greatest passions.


Burst forth and let the seeds of your potential spill over into the world.  You can do it!