Holding on... do you listen?

As I am learning to listen to my own heart, soul and spirit I wonder how long I have been avoiding doing so.  I often listen with intent but is it with the right intent?  Am I looking to argue with my own heart, challenge my own soul, and let my ego control my very spirit?

This morning I awoke about 20 minutes before the alarm was to go off.  I could see the clock and it read "6:12 am" and I was happy to know I had a few more minutes before I needed to get up.  I had been in bed since ten last night so it was not that I was lacking sleep nor was it because I wanted to snooze longer I was happy because it gave  me time to reflect in the darkness.

I could hear the clock my brother made me ticking in the darkness.

Tick, tick, tick, tick.... with each passing tick I knew the end was near.  The end of my slumber and a need to face the day was almost upon me.  I waited.  I opened my eyes into the darkness and could see just a little light around the pulled drapes.  The pre-dawn glow in the distance of the upcoming day.  The sun would rise again as it always does.  Today is no different.  I may be different but the day would dawn like it has for millions of years.  Solstice is past and the light of the days will get longer each day as we evolve into spring.

I anticipated the alarm and listened and watched.  The LED of the clock moved on from 6:12 to 6:20 to 6:28.  Then it was time.

Time to rise and shine with the sun.  Time to get out of bed and no longer anticipate the end of the night but to celebrate the beginning of the day.  Time to move on with the evolution of my life and to let the universe shine through my existence.  Time to get up, get going and start another day.

Do you weigh yourself down in the endings in your life?  Do you steep yourself in the fear of the unknown and the uncertainty of beginnings and the newness of each day that you dread the coming of the clock to read 6:30 knowing the alarm will break the silence bring in the world and open up your vulnerability.

I am in transition all the time.  I am changing and ebbing and flowing with the tide of the universe.  I can fight against it or I can flow with it and float on my own choices.  I am the universe manifesting through a human nervous system and becoming self-aware (Deepak Chopra) I am "unbounded and free" to be all that I can be.  The key is dealing with my endings, losses, grief and overcoming any fear of the unknown.

The clock with strike 6:30 AM whether I want it to or not ... I can welcome the day kicking and screaming or I can welcome the day embracing the potential and possibility it offers.  I can welcome the growing light in my life or I can live in the darkness of my endings.

I choose life!  Do you?


Do you just BELIEVE?

Very early yesterday morning before the dawn was breaking I was laying awake listening to the breathing of my 4 year old grandson.  He had been sleeping since 6 pm the night before after coming home from daycare/junior kindie totally soaked from winter play and exhausted from a day with his friends.  He fell asleep in the car as I ran errands and when I finally got home I wondered if I could simply let him sleep through.  Often we awaken a child and then are curious to know why they are cranky.  It is in the awakening we make the mistake.

He was soundly sleeping still and it had been 11 solid hours.  He needed his rest I had no doubt. Within a bit he began to stir and I stayed very quiet.  He called out into the darkness "Gramma?" and I responded.  He simply said, "I just wanted to be sure you are here."

"I am" I said.  He then lay quietly in the dark and I could hear a gentle whispering and all I could make out was a little "Amen".  Then he was quiet again.  I didn't ask about it.

Later that morning after we had got up, ate some breakfast made of toast, homemade jelly, a bit of popcorn made the old-fashioned way, on the stovetop with butter and a stainless steel pan, coloured a picture and watched a little tv he wanted pancakes.  I don't stock milk in my fridge so I suggested we go for a walk to the local Timmy's I would get a coffee and a carton of milk and we could return and make pancakes.  We set out.

The distance to the Timmy's covered with adult legs would take 5 - 7 minutes if one sauntered but with little 4 year old legs it took us about 20 - 25 minutes as he played and sang to himself, asked many questions and doddled along.  It was life giving for me, as always.  He picked up and carried dirty snow packed from the throwback of the plow and talked to these balls of snow like they were old friends.  When we arrived at Timmy's he set the most recent find outside the door to wait for us to come back out.

As we entered the first door I was alerted to a flash of red in my peripheral vision.  It was a jolly old elf seated with a Timmy's cup in front of him joyfully ho-ho-hoing to those around him.  I stopped and tapped my grandson on his shoulder and said, "Look!"  His eyes got big and he stopped dead in his tracks, looked up at me and said, "SAAAANTA!"  And we entered the coffee shop!

Immediately Santa locked eyes with my grandson and beckoned him over.  My grandson slowly responded.  Santa shook his hand and said "Good Morning!" and my grandson stood and stared.  This was a real, authentic Santa even for me.  One with true whiskers that were his own, unruly and grey. He had a twinkle in his eye that I had  never seen before and my grandson asked to sit on his lap.  He pensively said, "are you dry?" and I laughed.  Santa had a big day ahead and didn't want to begin it with a wet lap.  So we tested out the snowpants for remnants of the icy walk and determined he was dry enough to snuggle in between Santa's knees for a hug and stand leaning on his thigh.

"What do you want for Christmas?" Santa asks.  "A transformer!" says  my grandson.  Santa holds his belly and with a jolly roll of laughter says loudly so everyone can hear, "...and I don't suppose you mean an electrical component!"

Just then we hear a tee hee and a giggle and up comes Mrs. C all dressed in Disney best.  Minnie mouse ears and a beautiful diamond bow for a watch.  She is dressed all in red with bells on her ankles.  My grandson is totally enthralled in this moment in time.

As I gently pulled him from this scene like hot fudge that has landed on cold ice cream we back away from the table as Mrs. C reminds Santa they must go, others are waiting.  He waves to my grandson and he and I head for the counter.  Hunter still has his mouth slightly open trying to comprehend how he was so lucky to find Santa in the local Timmy's.  I get my coffee the milk for the pancakes and we head out the other door.

In leaving by the other door I am nudged that the beloved snow ball is at the other door.  Thinking this grand experience would leave that memory in the dust we begin to walk.  All of a sudden Hunter stops and says, "Gramma, my snow ball!" and I suggest he leave it for another little boy to find and play with and he is content with that.

In my own lack of faith lately I am nudged as we walk to ask Hunter about his prayer.  "I heard you praying this morning, who were you talking to?"

"God" he says.

"Oh I ask, and what were you praying for?"

"I was asking God to give me good dreams." he answers.

"Oh" and I add, skeptically, "You think God helps your dreams?"

He simply says, "Yup" and carries on walking with his three Timbits in a bag, kicking the snow and climbing the next giant snow pile.

Hmmm I think is it really that simple?  Just knowing or believing in my four year old heart that this God Hunter is talking about can take on the role of giving me good dreams?

Where does the magic go?  When we are children we are so easily faithful to what we are told and simply just believe. Then the world gets a hold on us and beats us up, tears down our faith, scraps our dreams, deals us life's hard lessons only to beat out of us the very faith that there is an essence to believing.  Not in any one god, or the supernatural of a being, or in fairy tales or Santa Claus but in the essence that belief, in itself, and how there is good someplace that helps us with our dreams.  Whether we call it god, synergy, energy, light, love or soul have this faith to believe in the very essence of the good of all existence is the hope of tomorrow.

In the pre-dawn prayer of a trusting little boy I rediscovered what it is to simply believe as I do every year at this time.  I find it in the hokey romantic movies, re-visiting a dollar store tree, the extended hours of darkness and in the very faith in the magic of a child's faith.  Find your inner child again, find that moment in time when your dreams were shattered, rewind just a tad and bask in the blind faith of your four year old heart.

Sweet dreams my friends ... sweet dreams!

Josh Groban BELIEVE from Polar Express