Writing a Journal

At the beginning of the new year I always pick up a journal and begin to write down my thoughts, only to have it wane over time.  Just like the good intentions of many people we all want to eat better, exercise more or quit smoking, but like many good people I do not sustain my good intentions.  In looking at this pattern, I am thinking this year I will setting aside 15 minutes every morning to simply reflect and read a daily motivation.  If I write, all the better, but I am not going to weigh it down by thinking writing or not writing denotes success or failure.

Often we set ourselves up with boundaries that are unrealistic.  Over the years I have been challenged to be open minded and listen to others.  I am better at it and shake my head at my past closed and opinionated self, but I forgive my own ignorance.  Being aware of this often requires a revisiting of my boundaries.  What will I live with?  What can I live without? Can I see the other person's thoughts?  Does it change my world view?  This is hard work and takes us on our spiritual journey.

In the past few years I have been faced with expanding my understanding of the divine.  There have been many days where I wonder, "is there such a thing?"  Who is "God"? What is "God"? Christian practices are about 2000 years old.  Coming from a certain time and a certain place following a certain man.  What does that mean?  After taking a journey at the Gaia Farmhouse December 20, 21 and 22 I was connected to the universe story and reminded ecologically where we all came from.  It is fascinating and sparked a desire to dig even deeper into my soul to find out what it is I believe.

I am on a journey and I invite you to walk with me.  Ask the hard questions but be ready for answers that may not fit with your world view.  That is where the hard work starts.  Are you willing to change your world view and let go of your childhood thinking?  Are you ready to grow?  I hope so because it is a wonderful journey!  I am off to shovel the love that mother earth has layed upon my car .... Happy New Year!

2013 ... what will be new this new year?

Upon graduating I am now seeking to find my future.  I am passionate about elder care, bereavement care and hospice care.  As I seek to fulfill my own spiritual quest I find more and more I am connected to the earth and the seasons.  Living in Ontario, Canada I love the blanket of snow that is covering the green grass and keeping things quiet for the hibernating animals.  Spring will burst forth with new life in no time.  Can we apply this passion and love of life and death to our own world?  Can we overcome our fear of death and have a "good death"?  In dying we come to realize how precious life is here on earth but when we live seasonally we realize there must be more than what we can see.

Travel with me and embrace the frailty of human life.  Live while you can live and die when the time comes. 

In a good life there can be a good death.

What next??

Well the time has come where I am facing a fork in the road and must chase down the rest of my dream.  I have finished classes and am ready to graduate upon the submission of the last two papers.  Such great learning I have witnessed.  Such great turmoil within my own heart.  Challenges faced down and often swimming in murky waters trying to make sense and nail down some clarity.

That being said nailing down what the divine has in store is like trying to display Jello on the fridge with a magnet or nail it to the wall.  Challenging to say the least.  But that being said how lovely is it to just lay our trust in something greater than ourselves and listen to the whispers in the night.  One thing I have learned is none of us do that to the fullest, not even me and I have been pushed to the edge of some scary cliffs.

A poem that I recently had read to me spoke to my heart and reminds me that the divine choose me not the other way around.  I am child of the universe and can connect with all that goes before me and share in the witness of all that is behind me.  I am a Christian because I follow the work and life of Jesus, I choose life on this path.  Although this poem may not be perfectly articulated the way I would in today's context and culture the message speaks to me and keeps me afloat as I move and am molded by the one who created me:


And the Lord Said Go

the Lord said go

         and i said who me

         and He said yes you

         and i said

         but i’m not ready yet

         and an important meeting is coming up

         and i can’t leave my work right now

         and you know there is no one to take my place

         and He said you’re stalling.                                    

again the Lord said go

         and i said 
         but i don’t want to

         and He said I didn’t ask if you wanted to

         and i said listen i’m not the kind of person

         to get involved in controversy

         besides my family won’t like it

         and what will my neighbours think

         and He said baloney.

and yet a third time the Lord said go

         and i said do I have to

         and He said do you love me

         and i said

         look i’m scared

         people are going to hate me

         and cut me into little pieces

         and i can’t take it all myself

         and He said where do you think I’ll be

         and the Lord said go

         and i sighed

         here i am send me.

                                     Sister Constance

                                     Virginia Seminary Alumni Magazine

.."give us this day our DAILY bread..."

A letter in response to a friend's email......

I have difficulty trying to articulate what I find in your email or what I sense from your words because for me I feel it is not up to me to tell you how to be faithful.  You are bright and have such great thoughts.  Maybe too great (lol) because you think very deeply and therefore lean into what it is that troubles you to try to find answers.

I am finding lately that I am trying to live simply.  Not looking too much into the future and trying not to take on things that are so big that I feel overwhelmed by the thoughts eg environmental issues and the end of the earth as we know it, because truthfully I have lived 53 years and I have some history but it is still a blip on a screen for the years that the earth has existed so who am I to worry about mother earth?  I think she can take good care of herself.  She may cut us off, spit us out and we may cease to exist for a while as humans but in the billions of years the scientists say the earth has existed why are we so arrogant to think we can save the earth? (picture at right is my bunk in Yogyakarta, Indonesia very similar to how I am living right now as I finish up my degree)

So my job is to make my time and the time of those who I care about as rewarding and good as possible.  I am only here for maybe 80years or so ... and I just need to be sure I am a good person, care for the earth as I can and share what I can about what it means to me to do so.  That is all there is for me.

I need to earn enough of a living to feed myself because my children need to tend to their future.  It is not up to me to be sure they are left with millions.  I gave them life by birthing them and they came into this world with the skin on their ass and need to cover that ass as they see fit.

I try to be happy to my own core and worry about what it is that I need to be happy.  I try to help others to be happy and content.  I can't control how they feel I can only listen and then hope they have emptied their cup enough to move on.  Sounds cynical but most people like living in misery and really don't want to be happy, being happy means they may have to relax and let go and enjoy life.  That is not what society teaches us.  Materialism means we are never satisfied .. and need to buy more "stuff" ... so we are conditioned to be discontent.

That all being said ... I struggle too with what it means to be content and find God, god, higher power... and the creator story... who am I?  who I am.. is a big question and only I can answer it.  My faith helps me do so and my faith allows me to trust that there is lessons to be learned, places to be happy, and it is worth the struggle in the long run.

Spirit is willing, flesh is weak

I have recently reconnected with a person from my past and it is an awakening of my spirit.   I have the opportunity through the lens of my friend to revisit what I believe in and what makes it authentic.  How do I see God?  What does Jesus represent to me? Where is my faith in light of doctrines and church obedience?  As I walk this journey I am steeped in governance in ministry and a course called, "Confessing Our Faith".  The "our" of this course is The United Church of Canada (UCC).  An inclusive, pluralistic and progressive organization which is reaching into the 21st century world. The UCC is a place were everyone can come to the table and sup.  Sharing in the bread and the wine is a way of sharing common roots and understanding the good news of our gospel with others who may find God in an other way.  Does it really matter how we get there as long as we better understand what it is that we are seeking?  My friend and a woman I greatly respect, Gretta Vosper, has shed a light on this thinking even while placing herself in danger.  She has relinquished the title, "God" because she wants us to understand the weight this title carries.  In the USA it is printed on their money, "In God we trust" but in what God, whose God and by what definition are we to know this trust is authentic?

My journey has only yet begun.  Although I have been on it for a long time, 50 years or so, I realize I am always at the beginning.  I cannot ever move beyond the beginning because as I realize more and more about what I believe, what I stand for, how I live my life it feels like a fresh start yet again and I walk it with wide eyed innocence.

Matthew 26:40-41 says, "Jesus returned to the disciples, he found them asleep.  He said to Peter, "couldn't you stay awake with me for even an hour?  Be on guard, and pray that you may not undergo trial.  The spirit is willing, but the body is weak."  Jesus asks us to stay awake and prepare ourselves for the world.  We never know when we will be on trial for what it is we stand for, trust and believe.  When we anchor ourselves in our beliefs and know what it is we truly believe we can then withstand what Jesus did.  That is the point of the resurrection in my heart, he stood for what he believed and it was raised up after humanity killed him for it. He stood for something so much greater than we can ever conceive, but we can stay awake and welcome the spirit that takes us on this wonderful journey and exploration. 

These pictures are ones I took while studying and exploring the island of Java.  My journey has only begun, where are you on yours?

trimming the sails...

With a full week under my belt in my new location I am reflecting on how the past fades into just that, the past.  Yesterday I was in the pulpit at St. James for the one of the last three Sundays there.  The scripture on which I was focusing is in Mark 9:30-37.  Where the disciples argue about who is the greatest.  What does it matter who is great?  We are all great in our own way and with God by our side, in our heart and helping us to focus on being great we would have a hard time losing that argument.  I feel great and I feel capable of doing great things for others.  Helping in the world and sharing the good news.  In reading for my classes I am discovering how young the United Church of Canada is in perspective.  With 2000 years of church history there has been much fighting and arguing about who is the greatest.  Today there is fighting between religions asking the same question, "who is the greatest?" and it is all a moot point.

We are all great.  Great in all we do when we keep those close to us in our vision and care for our brothers and sisters.  I have helped St. James see how great they are and how they can be greater in the community and I hope to do that again in another church.

When we see our greatness through the eyes of a child and embrace the child in everything we do then we win.  My friend was saying in his comment that we cannot control the wind but we can trim the sails.  I am trimming the sails as I listen to God's call.  As I move with the wind and let the Spirit take me I am thankful to God for my greatness and my passions. 

Fabulous Fall Planning

Even though we have had summer weather since early spring I do not believe anyone gets sick of it.  I find the heat difficult to deal with but I love the green and the beauty of the summer abundance.  That being said the changing of seasons is a part of Canada's life.  Unlike our neighbour to the south who can move around within its boundaries and change their weather experience, Canada weathers four seasons from coast to coast.  Personally, I love it!  I think it is a physical way to learn about our spiritual lives.

The changing of seasons is witnessed in our lives as well as our environment.  We have times of greater darkness and the days are not always full of sunshine.  We weather turmoil and stormy seas at times and learn to cope in the eye of a hurricane.  It is not what comes our way that strengthens us but how we deal with the challenges in our lives.

May the storms in your life be supported and may you be strengthened by love.  It is in tough times we feel the love of others and this love reminds us that God is with us as we struggle.  Feel supported as you weather life, lean on others and share these hard times.