How to love your mother ...

In the most recent past I have made a large shift in my life.  I cannot believe the chaos it has created in my day to day operations.  It is like I have taken a stand against myself and myself is shocked.  Myself is in disarray and confusion.  Myself is asking "what the heck?" Myself is asking "what is she doing?"  Myself is saying "I cannot seem to drag her back into her old habit!" and stomps off in despair.  This is challenging to say the least.

When a person sets out to break a habit that is 20, 30 or even 40 years old the ego is truly compromised.  The ego (another way of saying Edging God Out, however you define GOD) has been in charge for a very long time so when a person allows the passions and the deep yearnings to surface and be the driving force the ego is displaced.  Funny how that happens.

It is not easy to drop the ego and stand on passion.  Society and culture do not support a passion driven life and marketing is geared to rev up the ego and drive materialist needs.  Live in a nice house, own property, own clothes, drive a nice car, articulate what you do for a living, standardize your hair style, lose that five pounds, etc., etc.,

I have this photo of my mother and I over my desk in my work space.  I have built a name for my business using her name and part of my dad's name and I have spent the last 10 years since her death trying to reconcile with how to love her from beyond.  I remember people telling me when I was caring for her to enjoy her as I would be sad when she died.  I did not believe them, now I do.  I wish I had her back because I am now living in the space where she lived after I was born.

My mother was 40 years old when she had me ... so right now I would have been eighteen years old when she was 58.  How would I cope with a 18 year old right now?  In a changing world where I look to my children's children and it scares me what kind of life they will have on a planet that we are slowly depleting the resources.  A place were there will be war over water and a place where the threat of complete annihilation is always only the push of a red button away at any given moment.

I am learning how to love my mother by living the best I can.  As I develop and grow myself I do it in honour of my mother's contribution to this plant in her own way.  She developed me the best way she knew how and I now can honour her by being my passionate and holistic self.

How do you love your mother ... mother earth, mother of ideas, mother of your soul ...

Am I Dorothy or one of the others?

I love setting goals that are outside most comfort zones and then fulfilling them.

Yesterday I completed the first of many appearances on stage as a singer! I stepped out of my zone and registered for the Barrie Music Festival and had the adjudicator tell me how I am able to lift my voice in song and round out my own personal story.

It was such a thrill.

The last time I was at the music festival was in 8th grade! I love to sing and now I have a medal to tell me I can! I feel like one of the characters from The Wizard of Oz ... I have got my degree, I have got my medals of courage and strength, and I know I have heart!

Over the past few years, since 2014 I have been struggling to discover who I am and where my strengths lie. I had spent 10 years giving of myself to a career I thought was my life's work only to be rejected, stoned and crucified emotionally and spiritually. This took such a toll on my heart and soul.

The easiest thing to do was to bury myself in the bottom of a wine bottle. Well not even a bottle it was a 4-litre box of wine and not even a 4-litre box ... it was two and sometimes three boxes a week. In the summer of 2015 I found my therapist Jennifer who specializes in NLP and it was the beginning of my work. I personally had to dig deep and CHOOSE to build a new life around my strengths and my desire to feel well again in all the areas of health. Emotionally, physically, spiritually and mentally. Jennifer is a blessing to my life as I continue to work hard everyday.

The first part of my journey I uncovered much of the damage that was being masked by the coping mechanisms I lived out daily in my life. I assessed and spent time inside my own body and thoughts to see where life was being derailed. It is not easy work and yet it is so rewarding. I am still at it and will be at it for the rest of my life.

One of the daily tasks I set out to accomplish is to practice calming breaths and touching base hourly, sometimes minute by minute, with my inner thinking. It is crucial to my well-being and my daily accomplishments.

2019 is a milestone year for me and I am growing toward many bucket list goals that will set the pace for My Next 30 Years! You can too ...

#whatsinitforme

#whatsinitforme is a motto I adopted in 2018 not to be selfish, to be mindful of my needs in this life...

I began a journey to be mindful of my own need at the beginning of this year and already I am reaping the benefits of this motto.  Not because I have become selfish and arrogant but because I am mindful of what I need to be healthy and happy every day!  

Today, April 4, 2018 I will complete one of my goals this year which is singing at the Barrie music festival.  The last time I sang in the festival was in grade 8, in the 70's, where Rosemary always took first place!  I never placed when I sang and was always feeling like I was in her shadow!  I met Rosemary in the last couple of years and I told her this and we had a laugh because she never knew and certainly did  not win the festival to spite me.  She won because she has a beautiful voice.

This mindfulness is taking me on a journey inside myself.  Today, April 3, I am days alcohol free.  The last time I could say that I was 20 years old!  Alcohol has been a part of my life for so long I did not know what life was like without it.  How to celebrate successes or how to look myself in the mirror. 

This mindfulness has taken me on a journey of self value!  That is the beginning of the best part of this motto!  I love caring for myself and the doors this 90+ days has opened.  

Watch for more thoughts as I work toward the half ironman and my trip to Ireland to return to my ancestral roots in 2019,  two of the bucket list items I am planning for my 60th birthday.  Putting the pieces together.