Assumptions....

When do we begin an assumption? When is it we decide about 'things'? Who gives us the world view we hold and how do we arrive at any momentary perceived reality? 

I love these questions as they came out today to me as I pondered recent happenings. I was off from caregiving for a few weeks after going back after a couple of years hiatus. The pandemic rekindled my desire to work in this field. So mid-March I went to work and began building relationship with not only the elders in my care but the people I work with. When did I begin the assumption? 

The assumption: I am not wanted here in this role at this place. I live with that assumption every day every place I go. It has overflowed into isolated running that I do, I feel it. I struggle to go out the door to anything I do, and have now realized it is because of this assumption. 

How did I identify this assumption? When I returned to the work place after a 3 weeks absence many said to me "Welcome back, I missed you!" and "Oh good you are back, we missed you!" and "It is so good to see you, glad you are back" and "Isn't she amazing? So glad she is back" These are all wonderful, genuine comments said to remind me I am loved, valued and cared about. What did I do? Dismissed them and somewhere in my world view/assumption the tiniest of message kept popping in saying, "they are all lying" .... what? where did that come from? As I came home last night and today I sat on this dichotomy of conversation in my own head. I sat in three virtual places ... me in one chair, the comments and persons in another chair, and then my spiritual self overlooking the two and I realized something so deep. 

It goes back to my own alligator tail story (that's for another day) where I deeply have never felt right wherever I am. I have for many years felt like an imposter and a fraud. That people will figure out I have no idea what I am talking about even tho' I talk a good talk, walk a good walk and so on... deep in myself I have no belief in what I do and what my spirit is calling me to do. 

Wow ... does this make any sense to anyone else. If you struggle with imposter syndrome, or this idea that you are a fraud, it is hard to break that habit... that said it can be done! 

Keep working at it... do what I am doing... sitting with these lovely compliments and showering myself in them and show that wee voice it is wrong. I am valid, I do know what I am doing and I have the right to do what it is I am doing!

#breakingstibah

Photo: Looking at the mountains and the valley below as I flew from Bella Coola to Bella Bella BC and remembering how much I learned being there. #sothankful

Grief can kill you .... don't let it!

I'm sharing this memory post to secure that I can get at these pictures again, I had lost them. It is funny, just yesterday I remembered this drive. I only did the Bella Coola drive, over the pass, a few times. So they are vivid in my mind. Yesterday I was remembering, spiritually, my sense of awe in myself, doing this journey, as I travelled the road through the river valley that lead up to the higher elevations heading west to Bella Coola.
I was feeling distressed and anxious returning to a place where I did not feel I was doing well and was so depressed. This was 12 months of personal hell for me, with the final straw being the night I went out to the garage to see if it was air tight enough to hold the fumes long enough. I am sure you can get the drift. That was the changing moment when I knew I needed to return home upright before they brought me home in an urn.
It wasn't the people or the place or the posting that almost killed me it was my own personal demons, my own fear and depression, my lack of confidence in my own abilities and the grief I had bottled up after five+ years of study and putting my own spirit aside striving to reach my perception of other's expectations. I was spent and I was worn out and I was exhausted of any semblance of self-care abilities.
That said, I came back! I suffered the humiliation of "quitting" as many accused me. I endured the wrath of the people I hurt by not completing the two years as planned. I suffered and cried as people yelled at me that I had let them down and I stood in shame as people I respected stood up, disdainfully stared me down as they stormed from the room. I returned to my own soul and my own spirit despite what I the outside repercussions were, I partnered with the divine source and healed myself and I am here today to tell the story, witness life on the heavenly side after depression and breakdown.
I am here to help others as they are walking the road of darkness. I am here, that is the blessing in all of this, I came pretty close to not being here anymore. Life can be better and you can make it. I know it is a hard journey back and with the right tools and teacher you can build your life again.

#breakingstibah You can do it.

My mantra these days:
I have come a long way...
I have made impressive strides ...
I will continue to raise the bar as I meet my own expectations and I love doing so ...
I celebrate each and every success along the way ...
I love myself and know I am enough ...