When do we begin an assumption? When is it we decide about 'things'? Who gives us the world view we hold and how do we arrive at any momentary perceived reality?
I love these questions as they came out today to me as I pondered recent happenings. I was off from caregiving for a few weeks after going back after a couple of years hiatus. The pandemic rekindled my desire to work in this field. So mid-March I went to work and began building relationship with not only the elders in my care but the people I work with. When did I begin the assumption?
The assumption: I am not wanted here in this role at this place. I live with that assumption every day every place I go. It has overflowed into isolated running that I do, I feel it. I struggle to go out the door to anything I do, and have now realized it is because of this assumption.
How did I identify this assumption? When I returned to the work place after a 3 weeks absence many said to me "Welcome back, I missed you!" and "Oh good you are back, we missed you!" and "It is so good to see you, glad you are back" and "Isn't she amazing? So glad she is back" These are all wonderful, genuine comments said to remind me I am loved, valued and cared about. What did I do? Dismissed them and somewhere in my world view/assumption the tiniest of message kept popping in saying, "they are all lying" .... what? where did that come from? As I came home last night and today I sat on this dichotomy of conversation in my own head. I sat in three virtual places ... me in one chair, the comments and persons in another chair, and then my spiritual self overlooking the two and I realized something so deep.
It goes back to my own alligator tail story (that's for another day) where I deeply have never felt right wherever I am. I have for many years felt like an imposter and a fraud. That people will figure out I have no idea what I am talking about even tho' I talk a good talk, walk a good walk and so on... deep in myself I have no belief in what I do and what my spirit is calling me to do.
Wow ... does this make any sense to anyone else. If you struggle with imposter syndrome, or this idea that you are a fraud, it is hard to break that habit... that said it can be done!
Keep working at it... do what I am doing... sitting with these lovely compliments and showering myself in them and show that wee voice it is wrong. I am valid, I do know what I am doing and I have the right to do what it is I am doing!